Let us speak of cabbages and kings

I had somewhat of a revelation yesterday morning when I was in the shower allowing the scalding hot water to beat down upon me while I was already supposed to be at work after having maybe an hours worth of sleep.  I was thinking about how I have such difficulty at time bringing myself to write some of these messages to you.

I realized that you cannot understand or handle the full implications of the teacher/student dynamic.  Every time I ever challenged you instead of blindly accepting, you became frustrated with me.  Later on I would notice things that you were trying to tell me that just resonated vrey wrong for me and I would be upset because I didn't understand why you couldn't see it yourself.  By the very foundations of what you were trying to teach me, the specifics you were using were dross.

Our communication quickly faltered, I don't begin to try and know exactly what you felt about out relationship, I can only observe the results and extrapolate from there.  You appeared to feel that I was either attacking you (which if we could have communicated better would have become more clear that I was seeking a deeper understanding...  a path you yourself helped put me on) or that I was unworthy of your love.

We didn't understand each other and we both failed at speaking clearly.  Our entire history of interaction has always been about trying to communicate across the gulfs between us.  And for us it became easier to just not communicate.  Neither of us ever was able to listen at exactly the moment the other was speaking.

And I have been so focused on trying to finagle the context and over explain in order to make sure you have full understanding that I have managed to emasculate my ability to communicate efficiently and clearly.

*grin*

I can lead the german thanks to knowledge but I can't make it think.

 

I may still continue in having a round about method of reaching my point, and some of my points may seem like pain and anger, but I bring them up not as attacks (or even as redirections, for the divine knows I disagreed with that one though I never told you about that.  I knew you wouldn't listen) but in order to hold some of these things and these moments up to the light so that they may be examined and measured.  For my journey even if it doesn't seem to be necessary for yours.

If the system needs to be closed then so be it, for I know in my heart of hearts that the only one who has to read and understand will receive the messages I share with the world.

 

And even if my mind and soul are full to bursting with stories and messages that I worry that I cannot get them all out and make them clear, I rejoice in knowing that nothing is ever lost...  Just sometimes waiting to be found again.

 

The keys will be reforged.

Before I go too much farther...

I need to make it clear to you, that I am going to open up and let out some things that may make you uncomfortable or sometimes even downright angry. As I examine myself, my emotions, and the causes of these patterns in myself as I understand them, I will find myself finally at the point where I will lay all of the aspects down on the line for you to see.

During previous moments of my life I would try to get the courage to pick at some of the loose threads and try to communicate with you instead of remaining forever passive and any time that as I see it I started to react or want to ask questions to understand you would turn away in some way shape or form.

You made it clear that you would not allow any one else to invalidate you, even though I have since realized that you were further allowing me to entrench myself in the role of the invalidated myself, and any time that the energy of the moment or the conversation paths or even your own thoughts seemed to drift to sensitive areas for you, the doors would close... the locks and bars would go in place... and the walls would grow ever thicker.

You may not listen.

You probably don't have the ears to see.

I am probably yet again speaking into the darkness.

But even if I'm the only one listening.

I will speak my Truth.

As painful as parts of it will be.



For there is light.

there is hope.

and I am so tired of being cold.

Why do I feel like I should be crafting illusions

Is that part of what you were trying to teach me?

With the thread of darkness that had been left to wind through your thoughts and deeds.

Was I supposed to be your science experiment?

Did you seek to mold me and shape me and make me better than you?

Did your lashes of anger at me and the world come from those moments that we didn't follow the script you had forgotten to share with us?

How could you expect us to be true...

When you weren't true with yourself?

Why do I have to be so trapped by these webs you covered me with from so early on. Twists and cuts that shape the poor little bonsai.

A piece of Zen sculpted in minature by an amateur.

Did you ever hesitate in fear?

Would you have even cared?

I am going to write things that will make you uncomfortable... Hell I'm going to write about things that are going to make me very uncomfortable.

But I will write about courage.

The kind it takes to face the fear.

Even that darkest and most dangerous one... The Black Fear.

For I do have a legacy.

For I have learned from you...

*grin*

Just not necessarily the lessons that you thought you were teaching.

I try and figure out what I need to say...

and end up getting caught in my own well laid traps of thought and defenses that I have placed around me. And I find that I have to jar myself out of my complacency sometimes to start finding the words or the threads that will lead me to where I want to be...

So as I look for what I need to express myself I found myself looking at some of the postcards over at Postsecret and as I absorb and examine the memories and thoughts that will inevitably arise from viewing them, I find myself thinking about what secrets I need to share with you... especially as the secret I'm reading has resonance within me.

But I always stop myself because even if I could be assured of you reading my secrets, no matter how carefully crafted I manage to compose the message, I feel strongly that you would not have the ears to see or the eyes to hear...

But I still think about crafting a post card and how best to send it. *grin*

I have hesitation writing some of these messages to you because I have laid a heavy charge upon myself. I still value honesty even though the material realm has introduced me to the concept of gray... (and should it bother me that I start wanting to change that to grey?)

So if my messages seem erratic its not necessarily from lack of understanding of the nature of our relationship... It's from trying to figure out how to communicate clearly what I learned when we seem to lack certain points of intersection that would make communication flow smoothly and without blockage.

As I move forward I will find myself where I can begin to let the flow

And I sometimes wonder...

As a child the process of learning how to communicate clearly with the adults in one's life is one of the most difficult and long drawn out processes that we go through during our travels (or travails, depending *grin*). One that many of us never fully manage to facilitate properly and I am learning more and more as the fullness of time moves by that I am also caught in the same trap.

Let me clarify better.

During youth, we go through a process of learning language skills that match those of the adults around us.

And occasionally I get stuck sometimes, wondering if I've learned how to use a word correctly. Especially at times when I am trying to communicate... whatever to someone and it is clearly not being understood. A lot of times I will go introspective and examine what the word means to me and how I remember it being used in literature or conversations past.

There are even moments where I get stuck on the most common of words and for a brief stint it just feels like I'm using it incorrectly.

Which is why sometimes lately I'm beginning to think that many of the times that you have gotten upset with me are because of errors in translation so to speak.

There are many things that you have tried to teach me or tell me, and even though a good number of those things have had great value to me once I finally accepted them I have always hesitated, whether in stubborness or the desire to examine more closely the core of what you presented.

I have developed a filtering mechanism that I use to deal with life and people and I feel that I need to tell you how it developed, or at least how I currently perceive that it developed so that I may in turn learn how I can move beyond it so that it no longer controls me.

However, I need to be away for the nonce and such deep and weighty topics must weight for when I can give greater focus to the import.

Its so hard to decide where to begin...

When there are so many things that are alternately screaming and scratching in my bag of consciousness that all want to flow out at the same time.

Many a times I have thought about how I want to start writing this message and most times that I have felt the hand of inspiration move me, I have been away from any method of being able to record those thoughts/emotions.

There are many things that will be said, need to be said, and afraid to be said.

Many things will make the one who reads as well as the one who types very uncomfortable.

But as I try to live my Truth, at times I must speak my Truth.

And the only way to begin, is merely to do so.


We always had difficulties communicating...

language barrier
thought barrier
context barrier
karma carrier

Do you even know?

Did you ever begin to understand?

Do you begin to fathom what I was to you?


Was I and all the events that unfolded me merely an experiment to help you wear a mask?

or perform a sociological experiment?

Was it an unintentional numbers game?


My perception and intuition have always been...

too accurate for comfort.

awareness without understanding is dangerous for young children

but to be expected.

Or were you already blind?

Did you encourage me to to the same?

Or did I seek solace in losing my sight?


I desperatly sought your approval, despite always knowing somehow that there was something wrong behind the mask...

Always molding and shaping myself in ways that I thought would please you.

...

I pause for a moment and find myself staring at the letter 'I' on the keyboard...

I have made so few decisions in my life, but they always end up seeming to be the painful ones.

Is it any wonder that I'm hesitant to charge forward?

...

The moment is fading, I was trying to find the way to talk about why I no longer need to explain myself to you, even though I will share revelations, nuances, and even those answers that you didn't realize you were looking for when you were trying to teach me what you had found on your path.

But such things will wait for another moment...

For Inspiration will come again...

Lucidity will come again...

and the Wheel will continue to turn.