Let us speak of cabbages and kings

I had somewhat of a revelation yesterday morning when I was in the shower allowing the scalding hot water to beat down upon me while I was already supposed to be at work after having maybe an hours worth of sleep.  I was thinking about how I have such difficulty at time bringing myself to write some of these messages to you.

I realized that you cannot understand or handle the full implications of the teacher/student dynamic.  Every time I ever challenged you instead of blindly accepting, you became frustrated with me.  Later on I would notice things that you were trying to tell me that just resonated vrey wrong for me and I would be upset because I didn't understand why you couldn't see it yourself.  By the very foundations of what you were trying to teach me, the specifics you were using were dross.

Our communication quickly faltered, I don't begin to try and know exactly what you felt about out relationship, I can only observe the results and extrapolate from there.  You appeared to feel that I was either attacking you (which if we could have communicated better would have become more clear that I was seeking a deeper understanding...  a path you yourself helped put me on) or that I was unworthy of your love.

We didn't understand each other and we both failed at speaking clearly.  Our entire history of interaction has always been about trying to communicate across the gulfs between us.  And for us it became easier to just not communicate.  Neither of us ever was able to listen at exactly the moment the other was speaking.

And I have been so focused on trying to finagle the context and over explain in order to make sure you have full understanding that I have managed to emasculate my ability to communicate efficiently and clearly.

*grin*

I can lead the german thanks to knowledge but I can't make it think.

 

I may still continue in having a round about method of reaching my point, and some of my points may seem like pain and anger, but I bring them up not as attacks (or even as redirections, for the divine knows I disagreed with that one though I never told you about that.  I knew you wouldn't listen) but in order to hold some of these things and these moments up to the light so that they may be examined and measured.  For my journey even if it doesn't seem to be necessary for yours.

If the system needs to be closed then so be it, for I know in my heart of hearts that the only one who has to read and understand will receive the messages I share with the world.

 

And even if my mind and soul are full to bursting with stories and messages that I worry that I cannot get them all out and make them clear, I rejoice in knowing that nothing is ever lost...  Just sometimes waiting to be found again.

 

The keys will be reforged.