Why do I feel like I should be crafting illusions

Is that part of what you were trying to teach me?

With the thread of darkness that had been left to wind through your thoughts and deeds.

Was I supposed to be your science experiment?

Did you seek to mold me and shape me and make me better than you?

Did your lashes of anger at me and the world come from those moments that we didn't follow the script you had forgotten to share with us?

How could you expect us to be true...

When you weren't true with yourself?

Why do I have to be so trapped by these webs you covered me with from so early on. Twists and cuts that shape the poor little bonsai.

A piece of Zen sculpted in minature by an amateur.

Did you ever hesitate in fear?

Would you have even cared?

I am going to write things that will make you uncomfortable... Hell I'm going to write about things that are going to make me very uncomfortable.

But I will write about courage.

The kind it takes to face the fear.

Even that darkest and most dangerous one... The Black Fear.

For I do have a legacy.

For I have learned from you...

*grin*

Just not necessarily the lessons that you thought you were teaching.

I try and figure out what I need to say...

and end up getting caught in my own well laid traps of thought and defenses that I have placed around me. And I find that I have to jar myself out of my complacency sometimes to start finding the words or the threads that will lead me to where I want to be...

So as I look for what I need to express myself I found myself looking at some of the postcards over at Postsecret and as I absorb and examine the memories and thoughts that will inevitably arise from viewing them, I find myself thinking about what secrets I need to share with you... especially as the secret I'm reading has resonance within me.

But I always stop myself because even if I could be assured of you reading my secrets, no matter how carefully crafted I manage to compose the message, I feel strongly that you would not have the ears to see or the eyes to hear...

But I still think about crafting a post card and how best to send it. *grin*

I have hesitation writing some of these messages to you because I have laid a heavy charge upon myself. I still value honesty even though the material realm has introduced me to the concept of gray... (and should it bother me that I start wanting to change that to grey?)

So if my messages seem erratic its not necessarily from lack of understanding of the nature of our relationship... It's from trying to figure out how to communicate clearly what I learned when we seem to lack certain points of intersection that would make communication flow smoothly and without blockage.

As I move forward I will find myself where I can begin to let the flow