Let us speak of cabbages and kings

I had somewhat of a revelation yesterday morning when I was in the shower allowing the scalding hot water to beat down upon me while I was already supposed to be at work after having maybe an hours worth of sleep.  I was thinking about how I have such difficulty at time bringing myself to write some of these messages to you.

I realized that you cannot understand or handle the full implications of the teacher/student dynamic.  Every time I ever challenged you instead of blindly accepting, you became frustrated with me.  Later on I would notice things that you were trying to tell me that just resonated vrey wrong for me and I would be upset because I didn't understand why you couldn't see it yourself.  By the very foundations of what you were trying to teach me, the specifics you were using were dross.

Our communication quickly faltered, I don't begin to try and know exactly what you felt about out relationship, I can only observe the results and extrapolate from there.  You appeared to feel that I was either attacking you (which if we could have communicated better would have become more clear that I was seeking a deeper understanding...  a path you yourself helped put me on) or that I was unworthy of your love.

We didn't understand each other and we both failed at speaking clearly.  Our entire history of interaction has always been about trying to communicate across the gulfs between us.  And for us it became easier to just not communicate.  Neither of us ever was able to listen at exactly the moment the other was speaking.

And I have been so focused on trying to finagle the context and over explain in order to make sure you have full understanding that I have managed to emasculate my ability to communicate efficiently and clearly.

*grin*

I can lead the german thanks to knowledge but I can't make it think.

 

I may still continue in having a round about method of reaching my point, and some of my points may seem like pain and anger, but I bring them up not as attacks (or even as redirections, for the divine knows I disagreed with that one though I never told you about that.  I knew you wouldn't listen) but in order to hold some of these things and these moments up to the light so that they may be examined and measured.  For my journey even if it doesn't seem to be necessary for yours.

If the system needs to be closed then so be it, for I know in my heart of hearts that the only one who has to read and understand will receive the messages I share with the world.

 

And even if my mind and soul are full to bursting with stories and messages that I worry that I cannot get them all out and make them clear, I rejoice in knowing that nothing is ever lost...  Just sometimes waiting to be found again.

 

The keys will be reforged.

Before I go too much farther...

I need to make it clear to you, that I am going to open up and let out some things that may make you uncomfortable or sometimes even downright angry. As I examine myself, my emotions, and the causes of these patterns in myself as I understand them, I will find myself finally at the point where I will lay all of the aspects down on the line for you to see.

During previous moments of my life I would try to get the courage to pick at some of the loose threads and try to communicate with you instead of remaining forever passive and any time that as I see it I started to react or want to ask questions to understand you would turn away in some way shape or form.

You made it clear that you would not allow any one else to invalidate you, even though I have since realized that you were further allowing me to entrench myself in the role of the invalidated myself, and any time that the energy of the moment or the conversation paths or even your own thoughts seemed to drift to sensitive areas for you, the doors would close... the locks and bars would go in place... and the walls would grow ever thicker.

You may not listen.

You probably don't have the ears to see.

I am probably yet again speaking into the darkness.

But even if I'm the only one listening.

I will speak my Truth.

As painful as parts of it will be.



For there is light.

there is hope.

and I am so tired of being cold.